My partner, sorry, my ‘girlfriend’ to be respectful to her – ‘partner’ is just me accidentally slipping into the Wild West fantasy role-play that I make her do with me: I’m The Sundance Kid, incidentally. Cheers. None of that’s true. However she does have coeliac disease. What that means is she can’t eat seal meat,…
I Am The Carpenter. Or, See How They Run Like Pigs From A Gun: See How They Cry.
“I weep for you,” the Walrus said: “I deeply sympathize.” With sobs and tears he sorted out Those of the largest size, Holding his pocket-handkerchief Before his streaming eyes. Through the Looking-Glass and What Alice Found There, Lewis Carroll. At junior school I didn’t have very much to do with girls, viewing them as being…
Let It Read. Or, How My Mother’s Inevitable Neuroses Led Me To The Library.
“I was in Nashville, Tennessee last year. After the show I went to a Waffle House. I’m not proud of it, I was hungry. And I’m alone, I’m eating and I’m reading a book, right? Waitress walks over to me: ‘Hey, whatcha readin’ for?’ Isn’t that the weirdest fuckin’ question you’ve ever heard? Not what…
By Hull Central Library I Sat Down And Wept. Or, How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love ‘2001’.
Until Star Wars, I thought people went to the cinema to weep. It did strike me as an odd thing to do but so did a lot of the other, apparently normal, things that normal people did. Normally. The first film I was taken to see at the pictures was ‘Snoopy Come Home’ at Hull…
A Ploggy Went A-Courting. Or, Ice Cold In Alex.
I first met Ploggy in Spiders. He went with a gang of about ten or fifteen kids from the sixth form college he attended. I was still going with my workmate Sarah at that point. I first started talking to that group of people after finding that one of them – Dave – danced as…
While My Seminar Mentally Bleats. Or, How I Wasted My Time At University By Entirely Missing The Point.
“At first I protested and rebelled against poetry. I was about to deny my poetic worlds. I was doing violence to my illusions with analysis, science, and learning Henry’s language, entering Henry’s world. I wanted to destroy by violence and animalism my tenuous fantasies and illusions and my hypersensitivity. A kind of suicide. The ignominy…
A Passage to Rumpelstiltskindia.
I originally wrote this as part of a diversion in the post about wasting my time at university but it was a bit long and I couldn’t think of any reasonable reason why I’d decided to write a crass adaptation of a famous fairy story that everybody already knows. I suppose I did it because I…
